Afghanistan Newspapers
Classified Ads
For Sale: Huge cave, ventilated, isolated for privacy, rock
solid. More ventilation is added daily due to heavy bombardment. Free
ear plugs included! Call 1-800-BIG-BANG.
For Sale: Terrorist training course. Learn from my mistakes.
Includes my exclusive list of countries you shouldn't mess
with, they get really mad! Damn cowboys.
Call 1-800-IMA-DOPE.
Wanted: A safe place to cower in fear while I talk big and
pervert the minds of the young and senseless. Preferably near a teeming
population of highly gullible people that
would be susceptible to empty promises of vain-glory.
Call 1-800-YOU-FOOL
For Sale: Wives, variety of ages. Looks unimportant, lovely
burkas! Reason for selling: they can't run fast.
Call 1-800-SLO- LADY.
Wanted: Tank repairman. Must have own tools and be able
to work without missing parts. Location: a little here, a little there,
little pieces everywhere.
Call 1-800-BLO-MEUP
Wanted: Emotional counseling for misunderstood former
terrorist with delusions of grandeur. Severely depressed, even my mother
doesn't love me.
Call 1-800-WOE-ISME.
Little David comes home from first grade and tells his father that they
learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's day is
for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," he asks, "will God get mad at me
for giving someone a valentine?" David's father thinks a bit, then says
"No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"
"Osama Bin Laden," David says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," his father asks in shock.
"Well," David says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish boy could have
enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're
not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And, if other kids saw
what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd
start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he
didn't hate anyone anymore."His father's heart swells and he looks at his boy with
newfound pride. "David, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."
"I know," David says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Special Forces
could blow the #&!* out of him!"
The Taliban use sheep to go through the mine fields.
If they step on a mine the Taliban has dinner.
If they don't step on a mine the man has a date.
"'Twas the Night Before Ramadan" by Mullah Mohammed Omar
'Twas the night before Ramadan, and all through the cave
Not a creature was stirring; it felt like a grave.
The turbans were hung by the firepit with care,
In hopes that the Air Force would not soon be there.
The soldiers were restless without any beds,
While visions of air strikes flashed in their heads.
Osama in his burkha and I in my goatskin cap,
Had just settled down for a cold, barren winter's nap,
When out on the ledge there arose such a clatter,
I grabbed my Kalashnikov to see what was the matter.
Away from the racket I ran like a girl,
Tripped over a goat; into a ball I did curl.
The moon shone down on the new-fallen snow
And lit up the valley with an ominous glow,
When, what to my one good eye should appear,
But a dozen Apaches, and tanks at the rear,
And their leader, so fearless, his troops he did push,
I knew in an instant it must be George Bush.
More rapid than eagles his forces they came,
And they whistled, and shouted, and called out our names;
"Now Omar! Osama! Muhammad! Abdul!
We come for you now; we've taken Kabul!
To the top of the cliffs! To the back of their caves!
When you chose this war, you dug your own graves!"
As the dry leaves that before the assault choppers fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, light up the sky,
So up to the ledge his forces they flew
With full magazines, and flamethrowers too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard with a thud
The explosions of Tomahawks; not one was a dud.
As I chambered my rifle, and was turning around,
Osama was there, disguised in a gown.
He was dressed all in drag, from his head to his toes,
And he said he would flee while I held off his foes;
A bundle of money he had stuffed in his pack,
He said "I'm going to Baghdad and I'm not looking back!"
His eyes were all glassy; he trembled with fear;
The American bombs, they rang in his ears.
He saddled his goat, then turned tail and fled,
But a Marine Corps sniper got him in the head.
I watched with cold fear as his body did slump;
The goat threw him off; he fell with a thump.
And so, there I stood, my plans all destroyed,
About to suffer a fate I could not avoid;
I dropped to my knees; asked Allah for help,
His voice boomed in my ears, "You ignorant whelp!
I gave you the Bible, the Torah and Koran,
But you were too arrogant to understand,
I told you to honor your neighbors and wives;
Not to enslave them, or degrade their lives!
You invoke My name to sanction your deeds,
But you are the last thing that this world needs.
And so, I'll send you and bin Laden to Hell."
The last words I heard, as the bombs fell,
Were from George Bush himself as he mounted the wall,
"One nation, under God, with liberty and justice for all!"
Written by Jack Falbey.
Inspired by the spirit of freedom.
Seen on signs along the road from Kabul recently:
IT'S OVER NOW
THEY KICKED OUR ASSES
TIME TO HEAD
FOR THE MOUNTAIN PASSES
BUT BEFORE WE GO
INTO THE CAVES
LET'S LOSE THE BEARDS
WITH BURMA SHAVE
What's the diffrence between Afghanistan and Christmas?
Christmas will be here in December
Britain's only Islamic standup comedienne found performing in English
pubs a bit of a challenge even before September 11th, so how does she
break the ice now?
"My name is Shazia Mirza. Or at least that's what it says on my
pilot's license"
After participating in a successful cavalry
charge against a Taliban armored position, an Army
Special Forces Staff Sergeant was asked, off the
record, about the war effort and he replied
somewhat philosophically. . .
"It is God's job to forgive Osama bin Laden. It
is the Army's job to arrange a face to face
meeting."
George and Osama discussed how to settle the war once and for all.
Their final decision was to do it with one big dog fight. They
agreed that they would have five years to breed the best fighting
dogs in the world, and the owner of the winning dog would be
entitled to dominate the world. Osama and his dog handler found
the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers in the world, then
bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves they could find.
From the litters, they selected the biggest and strongest puppy and
trained it day and night to fight to the death. After five years
Osama and Mohammed came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world
had ever seen. His cage needed steel bars five inches thick just
to keep him contained! On the day of the fight, George and his Cajun
dog handler, Boudreaux, showed up with a nine foot long Dachshund.
It was the strangest looking dog anyone had ever seen. Boudreaux
said it was a Cajun Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for George and
Boudreaux because they knew there was no way that this poor excuse
for a dog could possibly last 10 seconds with Osama's big, mean
animal. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund slowly came
out of its cage, wagged its tail, then waddled towards Osama's dog.
The ferocious Doberman/Rottweiler/Wolf snarled and leaped out of
his cage, promptly charging the poor Dachshund. But when it got
close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened
its mouth and ate Osama's dog in one bite!! There was absolutely
nothing left of the snarling beast. Osama came up to George and
Boudreaux shaking his head in disbelief. "We don't understand how
this could have happened. We had our best people working for five
years with the biggest, meanest Dobermans and Rottweilers, and the
biggest, meanest Siberian wolves in the world. How did you do this?"
"Da's easy", said Boudreaux, "We got de bess plasic surgins workin
fo five year fo to make dat gator look like a weenie dog."
I know that some of you are thinking of contacting your respective military
Personnel Office to be recalled for the War against terrorism. You should
know that there is a special category for retirees.
It's called "4I."
Recently we found out about this category when a retired military officer
called Military Personnel to volunteer for the war. He was told that he
would be put into the category of 4I.
He said, "I know what 4F is, but what is 4I?"
The officer at Military Personnel replied, "When the enemy gets to 4th and
I Streets in Washington, DC; we will call you."
Osama bin Laden, not feeling well and concerned about his mortality,
goes to consult a psychic about the date of his death.
Closing her eyes and silently reaching into the realm of the future she
finds the answer.
"You will die on an American holiday."
"Which one?" Osama bin Laden asks nervously.
"It doesn't matter," replied the psychic. "Whenever you die, it will be
an American holiday."
Afghani TV schedule
MONDAYS:
8:00 - "Husseinfeld"
8:30 - "Mad About Everything"
9:00 - "Suddenly Sanctions"
9:30 - "3rd Rock From the Sand"
10:00 - "Allah McBeal"
TUESDAYS:
8:00 - "Wheel of Terror"
8:30 - "The Price is Right If Osama Says Its Right"
9:00 - "Children Are Forbidden From Saying The Darndest Things"
9:30 - "Afghanistan's Wackiest Public Execution Bloopers"
10:00 - "Buffy The Yankee Imperialist Slayer"
WEDNESDAYS:
8:00 - "Who Wants to be a Koran Perverter"
8:30 - "When the Northern Alliance Attacks"
9:00 - "Two Guys, a Girl, and a Pita Bread"
9:30 - "Just Shoot Everyone"
10:00 - "Veilwatch"
THURSDAYS:
8:00 - "Matima Loves Chachi"
8:30 - "M*U*S*T*A*S*H"
9:00 - "Veronicas Closet Full of Long, Black,
Shapeless Dresses and Veils"
9:30 - "Sand Trek"
10:00 - "Moammar & Mindy"
FRIDAYS:
8:00 - "Judge Laden"
8:30 - "My Two Baghdads"
9:00 - "Survivor...I hope"
9:30 - "Achmed's Creek"
10:00 - "No-witness News"
SATURDAYS:
8:00 - "Let's Mecca Deal"
8:30 - "Taliban Squares"
9:00 - "This Old Tent"
9:30 - "No Sex in the City"
10:00 - "Mullah's Place"
SUNDAYS:
8:00 - "Who's Goat Is it Anyway?"
8:30 - "The Bedouin Bunch"
9:00 - "My Three Huns"
9:30 - "The Sultan of Queens"
10:00 - "I Dream of Jihad
TALIBAN FAQ
Q: What do Afghanistan and Hiroshima have in common?
A: Nothing, yet.
Q: What do Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden
and General Custer have in common?
A: They wanted to know where the hell
all of those Tomahawks are coming from!
Q: Why do all Taliban soldiers
carry a piece of sandpaper?
A: They need a map.
Q: What is the best Afghanistan and Iraqi job?
A: Foreign Ambassador.
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw
in a light bulb in Afghanistan?
A: Only one, but he does it from 30 miles away
using laser targeting.
Q: Did you hear that it is twice as easy
to train Iran's fighter pilots?
A: You only have to teach them to take off.
Q: How do you play Afghanistan and Iraqi bingo?
A: B-52...F-16...A-10.
Q: How is Osama Bin Laden like Fred Flintstone?
A: Both look out their caves and see Rubble.
Q: What is Afganistan's national bird?
A: Duck.
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